My Big Fat Brain

Day: 14
Current Weight: 229.2 lb

It’s official. Two separate scales are measuring me at different weights, and the difference is not consistent at all. So the weight that I’ll be posting is the weight that I officially weigh in on the scale at the clinic I go to everyday. Therefore, these numbers represent what I weigh when I’m fully clothed. Sorry, ladies.

I was out of town last weekend, making the measurement of food virtually impossible. I was in Sedona, AZ and decided the best place to get healthy food was in one of those organic foods, hippie supermarkets. By the way, there’s something called a cherry hemp brownie. It’s exactly what it sounds like. The munchies are not conducive to a healthy diet, people.

However, it made me realize how it easy it was to stray away from diets. Do you realize how many excuses we come up with to eat more? There’s breakfast. Let’s say you get some cereal. When it came to me, I would always put too much milk so that when I had my last spoonful of cereal I could say to myself, “Hey, look at all that milk. I don’t want to waste all that. Better get more cereal to finish that off.” And that’s why I’m not surprised that I had been fat for most of my life.

Then there’s the Twinkies syndrome, or any Hostess product, now that I think of it. I would open the package and would then be “forced” to eat both Ho-Ho’s, Twinkies, or Snowballs. If I just ate one, then the other one would be open to the elements. It would be susceptible to spoiling, which would just be a waste of my money. And in today’s economy, you can’t be so frugal with cash.

Then there’s the developing nation excuse for eating food. I go to a fast-food joint and order one of those large burgers that are about the size of a very large baby. By the time I’m halfway through with it, I’m no longer hungry. But I’ve got to soldier on. As each minute passes, as each bite is bitten, I can feel the need to move on over to the next notch on the belt. I really shouldn’t finish the burger, but I’ve paid that money and I’ve come all this way. I can’t quit now. Then, there’s the moment of temporary defeat when I put the last bite down and look at it. I know I have to toss it in the trash. But I come up with this piece of crap excuse, “There are kids in developing countries that would kill each other over getting a scrap of food like that. So, I have to eat it. Take the scrap out of the equation and no one has to die. I have to finish… For the kids.”

Of course, being overweight takes practice. I would look at a buffet and have an entire strategy planned out. I would know what to do in case of emergency (you know, potty-wise). The fried foods always go last since you fill up on them. Liquids, like stews and soups, are always optional since it fills up you up quickly as well. Salads? Seriously, if you’re at a buffet, you might as well do it right. As Martin Luther once said, “If you must sin, sin boldly.” You take the plate in your hand, fingers spread out underneath and the thumb just barely over the edge. The trick is to take a little bit of everything so you know exactly what to come back for. Always reserve double the space that you would normally have. There’s one pile for eating and the cleanup pile to put the dishes you’re done with. That one has to be close to the edge to help the bus boy crew. Deserts are always fun, since you can actually use some creativity. Go ahead and don’t be afraid to mix the fruit up with the ice cream or yogurt. Like I always say, “It’s not a sprint. It’s a marathon.” So take your time.

The bottom line is, I was a fat kid because I thought like a fat kid. Eating was a passion, a way of life, a drug, a comfort. It was everything to me. And now, it has been whittled down to a means of sustenance. Well, that would be simplifying what a diet truly is, but the bottom line is, a vice is fine to have as long as it’s in regulation. However, if it weren’t for this diet, I wouldn’t have learned to become creative in the kitchen. I eat the same thing day in, day out, so I have to find ways to look forward to the next meal without straying from this diet. But that’s for another time.