Cereal Killer

Day: 27
Current Weight: 224.3 lb

So I’ve teetered and tottered between 224 and 225 for the past week. I went to the grocery store today to restock on the healthy ingredients that have helped get this far. Imagine yourself walking down the aisle of the supermarket looking for cereal. Chances are that you’ve already got a brand in your head, or at the very least, you know what kind of cereal you’re looking for. I’m usually the same way, but not this time. Why? I don’t know, I felt like something different.

Once you train your body to start eating healthily (and more importantly not hating yourself for doing so), it’s very easy to get bored. And when you get bored, you use that as an excuse to splurge on the naughty food. So, in order to get out of that rut, I committed myself to buying a different cereal to start the mornings of with. I went down the aisle and actually felt intimidated by all the different kind of cereal there is to buy out there.

Most of the time I just walk in and say, “Cheerios, there it is!” Then, I take a box that hasn’t had the crap beaten out of it (Why do they even put those boxes on the shelf?) and move on down my grocery list. Instead I looked wide-eyed and stupefied at the wall of breakfast foods staring back at me. It seriously looked like I was trying to learn how to read in the middle of the store. Suffice it to say, I’m going back to grocery lists.

The bike seems to be helping a lot. It’s quiet, doesn’t require any electricity to operate, and is really low-impact. The last bit is really important if, like me, you’ve got horrible weak arches on your feet. I think it can be technically called a line if there is no arch in it at all. But I digress.

Even though I’m not losing as rapidly as I was a few weeks ago I’m happy with the progress I’ve been making. I’m still losing weight, albeit the bare minimum to be considered weight loss, but still I’m going the opposite direction that I fear to go. I think that’s another thing that’s essential to weight loss: Optimism. Times are tight and it’s comforting to know that we still have control over some things in life.

What Engineers Do

Day: 23
Current Weight: 225.2 lb

I was sitting around wondering what excuse I can think up for not writing in a while. Then, I realized that if I didn’t care enough to write for a week, then who would care enough to read. So, the answer as to why I haven’t posted in a while is sheer laziness. There’s no school or work to blame it on so I’ll place the blame on how lazy I get. In the course of the week I got a new toy: a cheaply engineered stationary bike.

Let me explain the finer points of engineering. When there’s a problem, an engineer is the first to sit at a desk and figure out a solution. And when said solution has inherent problems in bringing it to fruition, then it is a poorly engineered design. In other words, I don’t think the people that designed the stationary bike I got took into account how awkward it was to assemble their product.

You would think they would have designed the stability base of the bike to be easily attached and bolted onto the body without having to move the entire unit too much. However, they figured it would be easier to have to bolt holes accessible only by turning the entire thing upside-down. This wouldn’t be a problem if the damned thing didn’t have a low center of gravity. So here I am, putting some hardcore yoga positions into practice while reaching for the hex key (an abomination in of itself) and screwing on the bolts. Let’s just say I’ll be wearing a cup next time I have to assemble something.

The whole ordeal left me exhausted, sweaty, and frankly I was too tired to jump on the bike and do any exercise at all. Luckily all that blood, sweat, and tears I put into the project got me to lose 1.5 pounds. However, everyday, since then, I have been jumping on that stationary bike and been losing about a pound a day. It should be a lesson to all of you would-be health nuts: Don’t cheap out on equipment.

As my sister said, “They didn’t know whether to make a seat for men or women, tried to satisfy both, and everyone loses.” Not to mention that the digital indicator and timer don’t work. Thankfully, enough of it works that I’m not going to lug it back to the sporting goods store. But who knows, maybe that’s another workout waiting to happen. One day, when I’m back to 180 lb, the masses will ask, “How did you do it?” And I shall reply, “The secret to my success is an unending supply of inept engineers.”

In honor of my new toy, please enjoy the aural pleasures of Queen. Disclaimer: The views of Queen do not necessarily reflect that of my own, chiefly those views of Star Wars, Frankenstein, and Superman.

My Big Fat Brain

Day: 14
Current Weight: 229.2 lb

It’s official. Two separate scales are measuring me at different weights, and the difference is not consistent at all. So the weight that I’ll be posting is the weight that I officially weigh in on the scale at the clinic I go to everyday. Therefore, these numbers represent what I weigh when I’m fully clothed. Sorry, ladies.

I was out of town last weekend, making the measurement of food virtually impossible. I was in Sedona, AZ and decided the best place to get healthy food was in one of those organic foods, hippie supermarkets. By the way, there’s something called a cherry hemp brownie. It’s exactly what it sounds like. The munchies are not conducive to a healthy diet, people.

However, it made me realize how it easy it was to stray away from diets. Do you realize how many excuses we come up with to eat more? There’s breakfast. Let’s say you get some cereal. When it came to me, I would always put too much milk so that when I had my last spoonful of cereal I could say to myself, “Hey, look at all that milk. I don’t want to waste all that. Better get more cereal to finish that off.” And that’s why I’m not surprised that I had been fat for most of my life.

Then there’s the Twinkies syndrome, or any Hostess product, now that I think of it. I would open the package and would then be “forced” to eat both Ho-Ho’s, Twinkies, or Snowballs. If I just ate one, then the other one would be open to the elements. It would be susceptible to spoiling, which would just be a waste of my money. And in today’s economy, you can’t be so frugal with cash.

Then there’s the developing nation excuse for eating food. I go to a fast-food joint and order one of those large burgers that are about the size of a very large baby. By the time I’m halfway through with it, I’m no longer hungry. But I’ve got to soldier on. As each minute passes, as each bite is bitten, I can feel the need to move on over to the next notch on the belt. I really shouldn’t finish the burger, but I’ve paid that money and I’ve come all this way. I can’t quit now. Then, there’s the moment of temporary defeat when I put the last bite down and look at it. I know I have to toss it in the trash. But I come up with this piece of crap excuse, “There are kids in developing countries that would kill each other over getting a scrap of food like that. So, I have to eat it. Take the scrap out of the equation and no one has to die. I have to finish… For the kids.”

Of course, being overweight takes practice. I would look at a buffet and have an entire strategy planned out. I would know what to do in case of emergency (you know, potty-wise). The fried foods always go last since you fill up on them. Liquids, like stews and soups, are always optional since it fills up you up quickly as well. Salads? Seriously, if you’re at a buffet, you might as well do it right. As Martin Luther once said, “If you must sin, sin boldly.” You take the plate in your hand, fingers spread out underneath and the thumb just barely over the edge. The trick is to take a little bit of everything so you know exactly what to come back for. Always reserve double the space that you would normally have. There’s one pile for eating and the cleanup pile to put the dishes you’re done with. That one has to be close to the edge to help the bus boy crew. Deserts are always fun, since you can actually use some creativity. Go ahead and don’t be afraid to mix the fruit up with the ice cream or yogurt. Like I always say, “It’s not a sprint. It’s a marathon.” So take your time.

The bottom line is, I was a fat kid because I thought like a fat kid. Eating was a passion, a way of life, a drug, a comfort. It was everything to me. And now, it has been whittled down to a means of sustenance. Well, that would be simplifying what a diet truly is, but the bottom line is, a vice is fine to have as long as it’s in regulation. However, if it weren’t for this diet, I wouldn’t have learned to become creative in the kitchen. I eat the same thing day in, day out, so I have to find ways to look forward to the next meal without straying from this diet. But that’s for another time.